The Order is Given
by Cego
Summary: Follow Azir and the squad as he roams the Institute of War, looking for friends, trouble, and maybe even love? Wait, love? Azir doesn't have time for that! Or maybe he can make an exception for a certain special someone, if only they knew he existed. In the meantime, it's time for him to man up and shut up while he goes on a journey to become the ultimate bachelor.
1. 1 - Welcome to my life

**Chapter 1 - Welcome to my life**

* * *

 _"Azir, I know that guy, I don't know why he hates me though, something about Assassin's Creed or something?" -Talon_

* * *

Life was shit for Azir.

While it was true he was an emperor, his nation was basically literally rebuilding from dust and he had a thousand thorns in his side. Taliyah, the dumb wretch, thought he was trying to take over the desert. Xerath, that bastard. Renekton, the angry fool. But the most pressing of all problems currently was his lane opponent, Talon.

"Get out of here you edgelord, why don't you go dry-hump your sister," screamed Azir as he flew to one of his soldiers in the front line.

"I never compromise," said Talon from where he sat, alternating between slitting minion throats and giving himself a prison tattoo of a complex picture of skulls and upside down crosses and other goth things.

Talon had earbuds plugged in that were no doubt playing Linkin Park.

"Listen to me when I address you peasant!" shouted Azir before sending one of his soldiers over. He thought his name was Bimmy, but he was never sure which one was which. 'Maybe they should have different color armor highlights,' thought Azir. Bimmy walked over to Talon and unplugged his earbuds from his pocket.

 _I'VE BECOME SO NUMB_

 _I CAN'T FEEL YOU THERE_

 _I'VE BECOME SO TIRED_

And then Talon realized his music was playing out loud.

His face got all red and Azir could tell he was really angry. Bimmy and the other sand soldiers were laughing silently since they couldn't talk and were making wrist-slitting motions.

Talon activated his ult and Azir realized that since his own summoner was inept, he had taken a ton of minion agro and was low health. Talon was probably racing towards him, ready to eviscerate him. Azir had one thing left however.

He pulled out a warding trinket, and not just any kind. The Sweeping Lense buzzed faintly into the air, annoyed it was being used. A faint outline of Talon could be seen.

Azir struck a pose so majestic, the Pillar Men would be wet, before a wall of shields slammed into Talon's face.

In his mind, Azir imagined a fatality from Mortal Kombat where his wall just destroyed Talon and all his bones broke with the cool x-ray noises.

Talon went flying back and then Bimmy was there. He rag-dolled Talon into the ground and held him there as Sand Soldiers piled onto him beating him up. They all then exploded and killed Talon.

"Hive fives all around!" shouted Azir as a bunch of Sand Soldiers reformed and celebrated, slapping each other on the back and shaking hands.

And then Diana flew out of the bush. Azir tried to ult but the stupid cooldown was still active so instead he just got killed by the moon-bitch.

By the time he respawned, his turret was destroyed.

"Assassins," he said, "I hate those guys."

Little by little, Azir was able to fight back and with the help of Skarner camping lane, he was able to win lane and push to inhibitor.

"Who are you again?" he asked the depressed crystal scorpion.

Skarner just tunneled underground and cried like a little bitch.

Azir tried to summon a turret on the rubble of the inhibitor turret but couldn't.

He screamed in rage, "Why can't I put up turrets by inhibitors?"

"Because," shouted Diana, "You're stupid- I mean, death to the sun!"

"I'm not even Solari, I outdate those copycats by centuries, sun disk master race!" screamed Azir.

And then Bimmy raiser his spear behind his back and threw it, spearing Diana through the stomach.

"Bimmy, I didn't know you guys could do that?" asked Azir.

Bimmy just stared at him as if to say, _Really Bitch?,_ but the message was lost due to him not having a face.

Bimmy pulled out another spear out of god knows where and all of the sudden, the other Sand Soldiers raised their spears as well.

And then they froze, and Bimmy lowered his spear and pulled out a whiteboard and began to write.

 _Sire, we just received news from you servants at the Music Producer, they finished editing the footage and are awaiting your orders to release the song and music video._

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA" screamed Azir as he sprinted into the enemy base, a literal horde of Sand Soldiers following him. A sand soldier followed them carrying a massive sound system on his back and it blared his homemade beat. He even brought on Taliyah for a cameo, see? He can be nice to those who are his "enemies."

* * *

 ** _It's Everyday Bro by The Shuriman Shufflers_**

 **[Verse 1 : Bird Daddy Azir]**

 _It's everyday bro, with the Shuriman flow_

 _5 mil sand soldiers in the reincarnation, never done before_

 _Passed all the competition man, Demacia is next_

 _Man I'm poppin' all these checks, got a brand new sweeper lense_

 _And I met a Poro too_

 _And I'm coming with the crew_

 _This is Azir's city bitch, who the hell are flippin' you?_

 _And you know I kick them out if they ain't with the crew_

 _Yeah, I'm talking about you, you beggin' for attention_

 _Talking shit on SR News, but you still hit my phone last night_

 _It was 4:52 and I got the text to prove_

 _And all the recordings too, don't make me tell them the truth_

 _And I just dropped some new merch and it's selling like a god, church_

 _Shurima's where I'm from, we stab 'em like it's done_

 _We shooting with a gun, the tattoo just for fun_

 _I Usain Bolt and run, catch me at game one_

 _I cannot be outdone, Azir is number one_

 **[Chorus : Bimmy]**

 _It's everyday bro_

 _It's everyday bro_

 _It's everyday bro_

 _I said it is everyday bro_

 **[Verse 2 : Good Boy Nasus]**

 _You know it's jackal Nasus and my collar stay poppin'_

 _Yes, I can rap and no, I'm not from Zaun_

 _Shurima is my city_

 _And if it weren't for Sand Shufflers then Runeterra would be shitty_

 _I'll pass it to Sivir 'cause you know she stay litty_

 **[Verse 3 : Pimp Momma Sivir]**

 _Two months ago you didn't know my name_

 _And now you want my fame?_

 _Bitch I'm I'm blowing up, I'm only going up_

 _Now I'm going off, I'm never fallin' off_

 _Like Xerath who? Renekton who? Who are you?_

 _All these beefs I just ran through, hit a milli in a month_

 _Where were you, Hatin' on me back in Uristan_

 _Think you need to get your shit straight_

 _Daddy brought me to the top, now we're really poppin' off_

 _Number 1 and number 4, that's why these fans all at our dor_

 _It's lonely at the top so we all going_

 _We left Vekaura , now the squad is all rollin'_

 _It's Sand Shufflers bitch_

 _We back again, always first, never last_

 _We the future, we'll see you in the past_

 **[Chorus : Bimmy]**

 _It's everyday bro_

 _It's everyday bro_

 _It's everyday bro_

 _I said it is everyday bro_

 **[Verse 4 : Road Rolla Rammus]**

Hold on, hold on, hold on

Can I switch the language?

I 'bout to hit it

 ***Incoherent okays and alrights in Ancient Shuriman***

 **[Chorus : Bimmy]**

 _It's everyday bro_

 _It's everyday bro_

 _It's everyday bro_

 _I said it is everyday bro_

 **[Verse 5: Rock Weava Taliyah]**

 _Yo, it's Taliyah_

 _Competition's all like 'AHHH'_

 _These guys up on me_

 _I got 'em with the hook_

 _Lemme educate ya'_

 _And I an't talking book_

 _Noxus is your home?_

 _So, stop calling my phone_

 _I'm flyin' like a drone_

 _They buying like a loan_

 _Yeah, I smell good_

 _Is that your boy's cologne_?

 **[Verse 6 : Bird Daddy Azir]**

 _Is that your boy's cologne?_

 _Started flyin'_

 _Quicken loans_

 _Now I'm in my flippin' zone_

 _Yes, they all copy me_

 _But, that's some shitty clones_

 _Stay in all designer clothes_

 _And they ask me what I make_

 _I said is 10 with six zeros_

 _Always plug, merch link in bio_

 _And I will see you tomorrow 'cause_

 _It's everyday bro_

 _Peace  
_

And then Azir fainted due to ecstacy.

* * *

 **Yo, back again with a new chapter of a new story.**

 **This was actually inspired by another Fanfic called the Inglorious Devolution which is way better and deserved more recognition. I was so sad it hasn't been updated that I decided to write this to fill the void in my heart**

 **This is kind of a meme but at the same time serious and will definitely not be a one-shot.**

 **Expect more OOC shit soon.**


	2. 2 - Warfare, in a pub, with microphones

**Chapter 2 - Warfare, in a pub, with microphones**

* * *

 _"Azir's such a whiny little bitch, he's all like 'Xerath you killed my parents waaaaaah' what a loser" -Xerath_

* * *

It was exactly 3:02 when Azir and two Sand Soldiers (Bimmy and Jimmy) dragged a protesting Sivir into Karma's couple's therapy.

Azir kicked open the door and found a sleeping Karma on the couch.

Azir bent over really close to Karma.

"Wake up peasant!" he hollered in her face.

Karma screamed.

Azir laughed.

Sivir died a bit more on the inside at how childish her ancestor was.

"Oh!" exclaimed Karma, "I didn't realize that you two were a couple?"

"A couple of relatives?" asked Azir.

"When I advertised couples therapy, I meant romantic partners, not grandfather and long lost granddaughter. But, whatever pays the bills these days goes," sighed Karma.

Azir just stood there, eye twitching underneath his elaborate golden mask.

"R-ro-r-romantic Couple-s-s Th-th-therapy?" he stuttered and faint explosions and klaxons could be heard inside his head.

Jimmy and Bimmy dissolved into sand and Karma's face darkened at the mess she would have to get out of her carpets later.

Sivir walked over to the couch and opened up social media on her phone.

"Daughter!" screeched Azir, "Get off of that infernal device before I have one of my servants confiscate it!"

Sivir groaned and looked up, "One, you're not my dad, and I'm sure as hell not your daughter. Two, don't talk to me. Three, if you wanted me to come to therapy, you could have just asked instead of kidnapping me in the middle of the night."

Oh yeah, it was 3:02 in the morning. No wonder Karma was sleeping.

"So, I seem to understand the problem," said Karma, "Neither of you has any respect for each other."

"Respect? I have plenty of respect for my daugh- descendant," screamed Azir waving his hands in the air.

Karma pulled out a Chromebook and after typing and clicking around for a bit, a printer turned on and spewed out equal measures of smoke and paper.

Karma split the pile in half and stapled each one before handing them to Azir and Sivir.

"Roleplaying exercises?" they both asked.

"Yes, please go to page 3 and begin there, Azir, you're first," said Karma.

"Insert name here," said Azir, "I really don't like it when insert action here"

"No, insert Sivir's name and what she does that you don't like," said Karma, her eyes beginning to water.

"Why do they make these controls so counter-intuitive," grumbled Azir before retrying, "Sivir, I really don't like it when you text your online friends during family time."

"Okay," shouted Sivir as she shot off the sofa, "I know these people in real life and just because our match came back as positive from ancestry dot com doesn't mean we are family!"

"The Sun Disk knows all!" shouted Azir, "And it knows we are family! I am the emperor and I speak for the sun disk!"

"We both know that's false," stated an annoyed Sivir.

"How?" countered Azir.

"I heard you flirting with a girl and telling her how smart you were because you just made up all the stuff you said the sun disk said," replied Sivir.

"Well, uh, uh, ha, uh, eh, that's not important!" screamed Azir.

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP! I NEED A DRINK!" hollered Karma.

She went to her desk and came back with a liquor bottle. She popped off the top and began to chug.

"Azir, try again, Sivir, try not to attack him and instead try to come up with an apology. Then, tell him something he does that you don't like," stated Karma, trying to remain calm.

"Sivir, I really don't like it when you text your friends during our time together." Said Azir.

"Now your turn Sivir," said Karma, "Give an apology."

"Azir," said Sivir while picking a fingernail, "I apologize for using my phone, I will try not to do it as much."

"Now tell him something he does that you don't like," Karma said, pleased at their progress.

"Azir, I really don't like it when you think you're in charge of me, I am a grown woman," said Sivir.

Azir huffed and mumbled, "Well I wouldn't have to punish you if you weren't such a slut."

"Sivir's face got really red and she screamed, "Excuse me?"

"I saw you grinding up against Ezreal in the bar, don't try and deny it," explained Azir, "And the week before, it was Varus, before his lore change of course, now with three dudes that would be a borderline gang bang."

"What I do, doesn't concern you," seethed Sivir.

Karma just sat there as the two sides fought each other with words and fists.

A particularly hard jab by Azir sent Sivir's head cracking back.

She bent down and punched him in the balls.

Azir squawked before falling over, not before taking hold of Sivir's hair and pulling her down with him. They rolled around on the ground, wild punches being thrown everywhere. Karma just sat there and drank. Azir's helmet was ripped off by Sivir and she spat in his face.

"Arghgh!" screamed Azir as he wiped the saliva out of his eyes, "You dumb wench!"

Sivir sat on top of Azir, straddling his waist and laying into him with hard crosses. His head was rocked back and forth as she slammed her fists into it repeatedly.

"Would you just fucking stop it?" asked Karma, "Listen, I found a constructive way for you two to fight."

Karma spun her Chromebook around, "Gragas's Bar, Friday Night Rap Battles."

Sivir and Azir looked at each other before slightly nodding.

* * *

Today was the day. Friday, the day of the Rap battle.

Nobody knew who it was going to be but then again, Gragas was so unorganized that people doubted even he knew who it was.

Talon looked around him and cataloged the people in the bar.

Hot sister, check.

Various Ninjas, check.

Assorted animal gods, check.

Demacian warriors eyeing Noxian warriors, check.

Noxian warriors eyeing Demacian warriors, check.

Zaunites, Pilties, check.

No yordles, good.

A raised platform was set up in the middle of the bar with two walkways leading off of it for the rappers to stride on as they spit fire.

Everyone held their breath as someone stepped onto one of the walkways. The lights strobed on and Sivir was revealed. Everyone gasped before whispering, wondering who her opponent would be and why she was rapping.

"Shurima rises once more!"

"No," mumbled Talon, "It can't be."

A triumphant bird screech sounded as a golden blur flew towards the other walkway, showering sand down. Azir immediately started rapping.

 _"Your true emperor is here, and he's got the groove_

 _And when I send in my armies, you'd better fucking move_

 _Leader of the greatest nation on the face of Runeterra_

 _My eyes are so dope, bitch miss me with mascara._

 _Master of the sun disk, leader of the sands_

 _Slayer of tyrants, go ahead, clap your hands._

 _My forces are all around you, stealthy and embalmed_

 _Call me motherfucking Charlie cause you 'boata get Vietnamed."_

People oohed and aahed at the last line.

Azir summoned a sand soldier who deposited the mic in Sivir's hands.

 _"My name is Sivir, the best Shuriman bounty hunter,_

 _They call me the desert lighting cause I bring in the thunder._

 _Why am I even rapping against an old bird man?_

 _Like come on get out of that wheelchair, even if you can._

 _All these years in the sun must have fried your brains,_

 _Can you even keep up with all of my gains._

 _Came from the way down in the bottom of the bottom_

 _To the top of the top, call me Ziggs cause I'm the bomb."_

Sivir tossed the mic over to Azir who caught it in his beak before spitting it out and holding it up to his face.

 _"Oh I'm sorry was that the noise of a peasant?_

 _Boo hoo your puny life must be so unpleasant._

 _I have millions who would lay down their lives for me,_

 _I earned everything I have, everything you can see._

 _You want to know what I think of you?_

 _A whinny little brat, vulgar and uncouth._

 _I mean, I wonder to myself what kind of name is Sivir?_

 _I'd ask your parents, but you had to watch as they were cut down by a killer."_

People let out the Supa Hot Fire ohhhhhhhhhhhh.

 _"Oh look at the glorious emperor, all regal and decorated,_

 _I've seen your troops, they aren't loyal, they're emancipated._

 _I pop a middle finger to the motherfucking law,_

 _Cause I'm young, wild, scrappy, and raw._

 _If there's one thing I like, it's my looty,_

 _And all the boys give it to me for a night with this booty._

 _Of course Sivir's an odd name, one you don't often hear._

 _But let me ask you, what kind of name is Azir?"_

People clapped and Gragas began to pass out paper slips so that people could vote on the winner. That was until a flash of blue light and the ensuing shockwave sent everyone to the floor. Except Azir, cause he was a badass.

* * *

 _ **[Warning, a new challenger approaches]**_

A glowing blue figure did a backflip off of the plastic playground and landed it to the sound of air raid sirens.

 _"Step aside bros and broads, the legit lord of the desert is here_

 _Xerath's my name, one you should respect and fear._

 _All the ladies they love me, from the sidelines they screamin'_

 _All the ballers be bouncing, they like the way I be leanin'_

 _What's with all the hustling, take your seats_

 _Looks so good, dropping ladies harder than I drop my beats._

 _What's wrong little birdy are you getting PTSD?_

 _From the time I obliterated your family just because I'm me."_

Azir gave an incoherent scream of rage, and soared towards Xerath who was laughing loudly.

"You little bitch! I freed you, and you destroyed MY LEGACY!"

Azir visibly swelled as solar energy catalyzed inside of him. The various pieces of Xerath's sarcophagus floated away from him as his energy form grew as well.

Right before the two met, there was a flash of purple light.

"Stop flashing lights!" screamed pretty much everyone with varying amounts of profanity.

Shen stood in the middle of the stage, sirens on shoulders, a nightstick on his back, handcuffs and Taser on one hip, and sidearm on the other. His bag glinted in the light of the bar and made a small sparkling noise. Head to toe in riot gear he pulled a megaphone up to his mouth and breathed in.

"ATTENTION CITIZENS, UNDER INSTITUTE MANDATE 7E-9981-WV PART 3 ARTICLE 15, NO CHAMPIONS ARE ALLOWED TO FIGHT ON THE PREMISIS. PLEASE STAND DOWN OR I WILL BE FORCED TO USE FORCE"

"Fuck you!" screamed Azir.

"ATTENTION CHAMPION NUMBER 121, YOU HAVE VIOLATED INSTITUTE MANDA-"

Azir slammed into him screaming something about chickens fighting back.

"NON-LETHAL FORCE AUTHORIZED, ENGAGING!"

Shen whipped out his Taser with practiced hands and shot at Azir, shocking him to the ground.

Azir's world faded to black.

* * *

 **GUESS WHO ISN'T DEAD?**

 **GUESS WHO JUST HAD A SURGERY?**

 **GUESS WHO ACTUALLY WANTS TO SLEEP FOREVER?**

 **GUESS WHO GOT OUT OF FUCKING BRONZE 5?**

 **If you answered yes to any of these previous questions, you or a relative may be suffering from- aksdlihyqeithqlt**

 **Anyways, I have returned, expect more chapters of this and possibly more chapters of Umbrella.**

 **Review or follow if you liked and I'll see you next time!**

 **Stay Cheeki Breeki comrades.**

 _(Incoherent Slavic Hardbass)_


	3. 3 - Assemblies, Apartments, Apprehension

**Chapter 3 - Assemblies, Apartments, Aprehension**

In which I move in with the love of my life who most likely doesn't know that I love them

* * *

 _"You know, I always expect the Emperor of Shurima to be... more sophisticated?" -Caitlyn_

* * *

"Where is everyone?" asked Azir to himself as he roamed the empty hallways of the Institute of War. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a neon yellow-greenish paper. He sauntered over and squinted at it

 **ATTENTION ALL CHAMPIONS!**

 **AFTER LUNCH HOUR (12:00PM – 1:00PM) THERE WILL BE A MANDATORY SEMINAR IN THE AUDITORIUM.**

 **ALL CHAMPIONS ARE REQUIRED, THERE WILL BE A SIGN IN SHEET.**

 **VIOLATORS WILL HAVE DOCKS TO THEIR PAY-CONTRACTS.**

 **SEE YOU THERE.**

"What the fuck?" asked Azir as he squinted at the flyer posted on the side of the hallway, "They can't dock my pay-check can they? I have rights! I'm the flipping emperor of Shurima! I'll dock their pay-checks!"

Bimmy and his posse just stood at attention behind their liege, glaring at any champions who got too close.

Azir summoned a mini sun disk in the hallway and screamed.

"Why is my sundial not working!?"

Bimmy pointed to the ceiling. Azir just shot a bunch of sun energy at the ceiling and blasted it open so that light could come through. Bimmy just facepalmed. _If Azir can create solar energy, why not use it on the sundial instead of destroying Institute property_.

"Shit!" screamed Azir as he noticed the beams falling on his sundial, "It's already 12:57!"

It was 12:03 when the doors of the auditorium exploded. Everyone whirled around and watched as Azir flew through the hole. The sun beaming through the skylight on the ceiling flared intensely and bounced from his golden form, searing the retinas of any who thought they were worthy to look upon his grace.

"They have overstepped!" he started screaming before gliding into his seat.

"Azir," said someone from the stage, "so nice of you to join us."

He turned to retort, "You dare disre-"

That's when he noticed who he was talking to.

"My eternal apologies High Summoner Kolminye."

She just nodded and continued to speak.

"As I was saying before I was interrupted, our speaker today is a lower-level summoner who is here to talk about an increasingly pressing issue. The hyper-sexualization of female champions in the League of Leg-"

"Excuse me?" screamed Kayn as he jumped to his feet, "Of women? I have to walk around all day long with an exposed nipple! Do you think I want that?"

Numerous other male champions with exposed chests murmured agreement.

"I can feel the gazes of the female champions. They're all like, 'Oh I'd like a chunk of that just-turned 18 year old. He's so fit and glistening and I heard he's a total demon in bed. Plus, he's so young that it'll make me feel like my early days again, not like now when I'm old and depressed.' I can see you licking your lips you fucking whor-"

"Kayn, we've been over this before, if you want a wardrobe change please talk to our Fashion Division," Kolminye calmly answered.

"I tried, but they're so clogged up by the constant wardrobe requests from Ahri, Lux, and Miss Fortune! They literally get a new outfit every week!"

Kolminye nodded again before changing the subject, "Please welcome our speaker, Silver Summoner Izabela Elwyn."

Various champions clapped, mostly female or males who were obligated by their female companions to do so.

A young woman stepped forward and Azir stopped breathing.

Only betas believed in love at first sight and Azir was no weakling but it seemed like everything else in life no longer mattered. That sense of euphoria was shattered once he realized what she was saying.

"-want you to know that it is time to stop objectifying the women of the League. We've had enough and we are calling for an end to this."

Azir tried not to chuckle out loud, and succeeded, mostly, not really, not at all. He really wanted to agree with her, but women had always been this way in the League. Nobody summoned you if you didn't have at least three inches of cleavage showing and thick curves.

Izabela gave him an annoyed look before continuing.

Azir really, really wanted to listen and agree with what she said. He really wanted to listen to the average sized woman with lightly tanned skin, chocolate colored hair, and coffee colored eyes but he couldn't.

"That's it!" screamed Kayn, "All males who are fed up with our forced-nudity and hyper-masculinity, we're leaving."

About half of the male champions got up and Azir was torn. He really wanted to listen to the soothing noises of this woman's voice but at the same time he would look like a total bitch if he stayed. And for emperors, it's all about how you look. So Azir stood up to leave…

…and that's when everything went black.

* * *

When Azir woke up, the first thing he noticed was the IV in his arm. The second thing he noticed was that all the armor above his waist was removed, including his helmet.

"Aaah!" he screamed, "Servants, attend to me!"

He raised his hand to summon a soldier before getting a sharp headache.

"Aarrgghh!" he screamed.

Immediately, Akali in her nurse gear ulted through the door, slamming it off of the hinges and rolling into the wall, leaving a dent in the wall.

"You called bird boy?" she asked, stumbling to her feet, dizzily.

"Why do I not have maGIC!" screamed Azir as he winced again.

"Oh yeah, let me get the police, they'll explain everything."

Officers Caitlyn and Trundle walked through the door. Trundle started moving towards the computer equipment, intent on pressing the buttons. He accidentally activated a program meant to captivate small children as a series of animal noises went off. He would then press the picture of the animal that made the noise. He made it through three noises before getting it wrong and smashing the console in rage.

Azir turned towards the more competent of the two officers.

"Can you explain what happened and why my magic doesn't work?" he asked.

"Azir, during the meeting two weeks ago you we-"

"Two weeks ago? Two weeks!"

"Yes, two weeks ago there was an attempted assassination on you. An unknown assailant fired a rifle at you from outside of the building, through the skylight. Apparently, they were aiming at your head, so when you started to stand up, they only hit a bit bellow your shoulder."

It was then that Azir noticed the bandages around his left shoulder that were stained with his ichor.

"As for your magic, it's easier if we explain what's going to happen next. The LLPD (League of Legends Police Department [all rights reserved]) are placing you into witness protection until we can figure out who has targeted you. As such, we've removed your armor and you are going to be given the identity of a Vastayan Commoner living in New Valoran City outside of the Institute of War. Now, we don't want you to use your magic and to avoid any accidents, small inhibition runes have been implanted in your back to prevent you from using any magic. The reason why we don't want you to use magic is that it may be used to identify you and the people who tried to kill you might come looking for you."

"Vastayan Commoner, No Magic, Attempted Assassination… sounds good…. Wait a fucking minute!"

"Anyways, in order to ensure your safety, we're going to have a Summoner with you at all times. You're story is that you are both immigrants from Ionia seeking life in a large city. You and Jace were childhood friends as your village accepted both Vastayans and Humans. Jace, you can come in now."

A man in blue robes with white tattoos came in.

"High, my name is Platinum Summoner Bellaren but you can call me Jace-"

"I'll do it," interrupted Azir, "On one condition."

"One condition?" asked Caitlyn, confused as most people were hoping to get witness protection and would accept any form given.

"I would like Silver Summoner Izabela Elwyn to be the one accompanying me."

* * *

 _Three Days Later_

"Azara, Azara!" called Izabela.

"Azar-a-who-the-fuck?" asked Azir.

"Azara, your name, since we can't say…" said Izabela as she leaned closer to him, "Azir."

He was standing before a large apartment complex with a suitcase in hand. Clothed in mostly traditional Vastayan and Ionian clothing, his white plumage was rather smoothed out as opposed to his looks during the Lunar Revel when he wore his Warring Kingdoms outfit. Rather than angular feathers, they were much softer.

Izabela was next to him, clad in similar clothing and Azir took a moment to look at her figure through the loose fitting vest and flowing silken pants.

She started moving forward and beckoned him towards her. Reluctantly, he followed.

"How far I've fallen," he murmured to himself as he passed into the dingy looking apartment building, weak rays of sunset arcing around him.

At the front desk, a bored looking woman sat, staring at a Hextech monitor.

"Hello, can I help you?" she asked, turning towards them.

"Yes, my name is Isa Kao, this is my fiancé Azara. We're here to check in?" she said as she handed the lady the credentials the Institute had forged for them.

"Ah yes, Azara and Isa, right this way," she said as she stood up, grabbing a key from the board by the door.

"Fiancé?" whispered Azir into her ear, "Since when were we fiancés, is that even legal here?"

"Did you read the briefing?" asked Izabela.

"Uh yes?" he asked.

He hadn't, he meant to but then the hospital had the latest editions of Emperors Weekly and since he was 2 weeks behind he had multiple issues to catch up on. Being an Ascended Emperor is far more important than being a Vastayan Commoner. Surely Izabela could understand this?

"Please take a moment to refresh your knowledge of the Pet Policy, remember, cats are allowed, but only if they do not shed," she said as she handed a lengthy paper to Azir.

The second she looked away, Azir threw it in a trash can, earning a glare from Izabela.

"One room, furniture included right?" asked the woman over her shoulder.

"Correct," said Izabela.

The woman stopped at a door and unlocked it, holding it open for the two to follow. The apartment was small, a small kitchenette and a table with three chairs occupied one grimy room. Azir stepped towards the door on the other side of the room.

"Izab- Isa, honey," he called.

She walked up to him and groaned.

"Is there any way we can get a room with two beds?" she asked.

"Sorry, this was the only room left with furniture included, if you want to provide your own we have an array of different room configurations. I thought this would work since you two are engaged, is anything wrong?"

"Oh, uh no, that's fine."

The Institute would provide them with a monthly allowance although they were both required to work jobs in order to give the appearance of normal citizens. The purchasing of furnature would still cost too much however.

"Alright, that's it then, just let me know if you need anything, here's your key. Have a good night."

As she left, Azir moved their suitcases into the bedroom. At least there was a couch, surely he wouldn't have to share a bed with a woman who he was possibly attracted to but didn't even know?

His musings were interrupted by Izabela calling from the other room, "Azara, I finished making dinner!"

He then realized that a half hour had gone by with him doing nothing but debate with himself whether he was attracted to Izabela, ultimately deciding on maybe with a small possibility of hopelessly in love with her.

They ate in silence as the last rays of sun vanished from the filthy window. When the time came for them to finish, Izabela entered the small bathroom attached to the bedroom. Azir took this time to start moving the couch, creating a massive racket as he attempted to drag it across the ground. The only thing he succeeded in was making a loud screeching noise and possibly breaking his back.

"Azara! What the hell are you doing in here?" asked Izabela as she threw open the door, dressed in pajamas with toothbrush in hand.

"Moving the couch to the other room?"

"Why?"

"Well I'm not sharing a bed with you and it would even be improper for me to share a room with you."

"Improper?" she seethed, moving closer to him to whisper in his ear, "Does the emperor of Shurima not want to sully himself by bedding a common woman?"

"No! Of course not! I know nothing of where you come from or who you are! I just think that it is improper of a real gentleman to share a room with a woman he hardly knows."

"Oh," she said as her cheeks reddened, "forgive me."

"It's nothing Isa, would you like to help me move the couch?"

"Uh sure, but I don't think it's going to fit, these things are made to be moved then assembled."

"Hmm, then I'll take the cushions out and sleep on the ground, that should be fin-"

"It's fine, you can sleep on the couch tonight until we can figure something out tomorrow."

"Okay…" murmured Azir.

Azir moved to the bathroom to change into pajamas and when he returned, a blanket and pillows were set on the couch and Izabela was in bed reading.

"Uhm, goodnight Isa," said Azir.

She moved the book away from her face and Azir noticed that she was wearing glasses now. His expression must have shown her his confusion without needing to say anything because she pointed at her glasses and said, "Just for reading, otherwise I don't need them. I know, they make me look so bad."

"NO! I mean, I think you look fine with them."

"Oh, thanks."

"Yeah, you can read but I think I'm going to go to sleep."

"I was planning on turning in as well so don't worry."

"Oh, see you tomorrow then."

"Yeah, tomorrow we look for jobs!"

"Fun…"

Izabela turned off the lights then and Azir pulled the blankets over himself. Facing away from the bed, he closed his eyes. Ascended Warriors had no need for sleep, he didn't even know if they could sleep, he'd never tried it after his ascension but he might as well pretend to for the sake of his secret identity.

* * *

 **GREETINGS ALL**

 **Just got back into Warframe so if anyone who reads this wants to play, HMU.**

 **Here is a new chapter of my story, working on Chapter 8 for Umbrella and then Chapter 4 of this. If you haven't checked out Umbrella yet, I would love it if you did, it lacks the humor of this story but I think of it as my main project. I know this chapter hit a more serious tone towards the end with less Azir shenanigans but I promise they will return next chapter.**

 **Until next time,**

 **Sped Sorcerer**


	4. 4 - From Man to Manager

**Chapter 4 - From Man to Manager**

* * *

 _"He has the self control of an infant. I swear to the gods above if someone gave him drugs he'd take them in a second" -Sivir_

* * *

Azir was having the absolute best dream of his Ascended career, or at least he thought he was, he currently couldn't remember as an alarm was going off and it was DRIVING HIM UP THE WALL. Seriously, he had saved up Good Boy Points to sleep in and someone was interrupting his beauty sleep.

"REEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" screamed Azir as he rolled off of the couch onto the ground.

Izabela sighed, this was going to be a long day.

Fifteen minutes and three doses of tranquilizer later, Azir was peacefully enjoying a bowl of cereal while Izabela explained the plan for that day. The League would provide some funds for their living expenses but it would be up to them to find jobs in order to keep a facade of normal lives. She was planning on hitting up stores on the Northern side of town to see if anyone needed a low level mage and was leaving Azir to his own devices. Granted this was a massive risk as Azir was more socially inept than a potato with severe anxiety and a stutter. She laid out very, VERY, clear instructions for Azir.

"Don't bring any attention to yourself, be back here by 4:00 PM, do not attack or annoy anyone, absolutely no magic, do not use your real name, and for the love of the gods please don't die."

Azir dumbly nodded before saying, "I'm sorry, what."

"Just don't get hurt. Thanks. Bye," she said as Azir wandered out of the apartment.

Surely finding a job would be easy. SURELY.

Apparently it was not. It was four hours later and Azir had absolutely no luck anywhere. Aside from the graham crackers he took from the kids' waiting room at the doctor's office, he hadn't eaten anything. Izabela had given him a small allowance to eat lunch so he decided to head to McDoran's for some Tendies. On the way there, he passed a hobo who was also apparently a frost mage, as he was passively generating an aura of cold around him. He was about to kick down the door when he noticed a sign.

 **Looking for Manager**

Five minutes later and he was sitting across from a bored looking regional rep, tendies in his hands.

"So," asked the man as he looked at a form, "Azara… do you have any leadership experience?"

"I inherited the throne of one of the greatest Empires on the face of this planet."

The rep marked a couple things down.

"And… what would you consider to be some of your positive qualities?"

"I have been told by my subjects that I am a benevolent and wise leader."

"Mhmmm, what was one particularly situation you faced and how did you overcome it?"

"My best friend backstabbed me and stole a ritual that would have turned me into a god. It killed me but I was later resurrected by my great great great great great great granddaughter when she was stabbed by a noblewoman. Then I did the ritual for real and became a god and raised my empire from the dust."

The representative checked off a few more boxes. He wasn't really paying attention, in fact he was hoping to be out of here soon to get to his child's birthday party. Until the McDoran's had a manager he was forced to fill in until they found a replacement.

"Alright Azara, you're hired, you start now."

Azir stood up and threw his head back, and screeched into the air. The sales rep just walked away to get to his daughter's birthday party.

* * *

The workers of McDoran's were startled when the door to the Manager's office crashed open and a Vastayan came sauntering on out, a name tag identifying him as _Azara, Manager._

As one they kneeled and held their kitchen utensils towards him, many still dripping with fat and oil. Azir basked in their worship for a bit before clapping his hands.

"Alright people, I've got big plans for this restaurant. We're going to be the highest profiting McDoran's in New Valoran City! Let's get back to work! Whoever the head chef is, can they come meet me in my office? I'd like to talk to you."

Azir walked back to his office, a nervous looking woman following him. Azir squinted at her name tag, _Victoria, Head Chef._

"Alright Victoria."

"Sir, it's actually Vanes-"

He squinted harder, she was right.

"Vanessa, we're going to stop paying to power the freezer and refrigerator units."

"Sir, won't that make the food spoil even more?"

"In theory yes, but we're going to hire the cryomancer bum to sit in the cooling unit 24/7. We'll offer him free meals and in return his passive aura will cool the food."

"Sir the company manual strictly prohibits use of mages over machinery."

"Damn the manual Vanessa! We need to take risks to turn profits! With the extra money we can improve employee work life and morale!"

Vanessa looked around nervously before licking her lips, "Alright sir, I'll send somebody to talk to him."

Fifteen minutes later the rattling of the old cooling unit ceased and a homeless man was led back by a scared looking employee. Azir sat in his office with the door open. As the man passed by, he smiled to Azir with all three of his teeth and accepted the McDoran's hat offered to him.

"I won't let ya down sir!"

"Glad to hear that," said Azir as he thumbed through a manual, glancing towards the old computer screen on his desk every so often. He marked down a couple things on a used napkin and started towards the kitchen.

"Shut off the friers!" he screamed.

The chefs looked at him like he was mad but did so anyways.

"We're not using fuel or electricity to power these anymore, same with the stoves. There's an underground hextech line underneath this building, if we splice into it, we can siphon off the power and won't need to pay for fuel anymore."

"Sir, isn't siphoning power from the city illegal?" asked one of the chefs.

"Only if we get caught," smiled Azir, "Who wants to cut the cable?"

The chefs ended up drawing straws, and the one with the shortest resigned to their fate and followed Azir to the hallway. Azir double checked the schematic he had of the building before handing the woman a pickaxe.

He was mumbling something about "unearthing what was once lost," although she wasn't really listening.

"Hit it right here," said Azir as he pointed to a spot on the floor, "but not too deep or you'll probably get fried."

The woman swallowed and swung… and didn't die. She kept swinging until a pulsing green cable was exposed, inhibitor runes limiting the power surges.

"Now comes the hard part. You need to cut the wire without dying. Good luck have fun!"

She was visibly sweating now but did as her manager commanded… and somehow still lived.

"MARVELOUS!" screamed Azir, "I CLAIM THIS FOR MCDORAN'S!" before jamming their own wire into the mix.

A shockwave of energy exploding through his body, every feather standing on end and he instantly blacked out.

"...mn right he did. If it were me I probably would have died."

"...zara! Sir! Sir are you okay? Azara!"

Who the heck was Azara? Oh right, his fake identity. Azir cracked his eyes open and moaned. He was on the floor surrounded by worried looking employees.

"Did it work?" he asked.

"Sir," answered Vanessa from where she crouched next to him, "it worked, it worked really well."

Behind the cluster of people, a malevolent green glow emanated from the kitchen appliances as they activated. Some of them rattled quietly as they reached levels of power that they were not designed to handle.

"It's like he done went and supercharged them," murmured somebody.

"Yeah, I'll bet they work twice as well now!"

"So we can cook twice as fast now?"

Azir began to laugh, not only had he cut costs down already, but also improved efficiency.

Everyone began to cheer.

* * *

It was nearly 7:00 PM when Azir stumbled into the apartment.

"Azir! No! AZARA!" hissed Izabela as she ran over to him, supporting him as he walked to the couch in their room, "Where the fuck have you been! I said 4:00 not 7:00!"

"Sorry Izzzzaaaa," he said deliriously, the smell of marijuana on his breath, "had tooo make sure the night sift got there before I leffftt."

"Night shift? Did you get hired somewhere?"

"Yeah, Head Manager of McDoran's."

"WHAT"

The next sentence was clear and his voice boomed, "We already decreased costs by 25% while increasing efficiency and morale by at least 50%."

Izabela was lost.

"Azara are you drunk _and_ high?"

"Onlyyy a lil bit, the employees threww a partyyy for me since I did gooood job."

He pulled a bottle of champagne out of literally nowhere and took a big swig before coughing and collapsing on the couch.

"Give me that! You should NOT be drinking alcohol!" she shouted.

Azir screeched at her and held it to his body before hiccuping and beginning to fall asleep as he rolled forwards off the couch.

He would probably die alone on the couch tonight choking on his vomit, she needed to get him onto the bed. She lifted him up and dragged him towards the bed.

"Issaaaaa noooooo…." he moaned, "that ticklessssss."

She threw him onto the bed but the motion unbalanced her and she fell on top of him. She was terribly embarassed, especially when his half focused eyes met hers and he murmured "youuu look vvveryyy sexy toni-to-tonightttt Isssaaaa."

She gasped and almost slapped him before realizing he was asleep. Instead she just got up and tucked him under the covers before going to get some water.

This was going to be a long night...

* * *

 **Decided to be a good boy and update story cause ayy lmao, schools almost done and I sure as hell ain't studying for my APs. Much rather waste time on writing crappy fanfics.**

 **Anyways, yes Azir get absolutely wasted and Izabela will need to clean up his mess. On the plus side he did become a McDonald's... I mean McDoran's Manager and next chapter we will find out how Izabela's day was.**

 **As always, look forward to hearing from ya'll. Feedback, ideas, comments, anything and everything is welcome and appreciated.**

 **Check the profile if you want to hang out with me on discord.**

 **Until the next time bruvas.**

 **yEeT**


	5. Ambush from Afar

Chapter 5 - Ambush from Afar

* * *

 _"Azir is the reason we aren't allowed to have nice things anymore. Do you know how many fucking bird baths he's ruined? My birds are fatigued, Azir stop using them as baths they aren't for you." -Swain_

* * *

Azir wanted to die. He felt like he was slowly dying but he needed death to come faster in order to take away the pain. It felt as though three dozen ADHD-riddled sleep paralysis demons were skull fucking him from inside his head. And that was before he had gotten up out of the bed.

Izabela walked in and simply asked, "What happened to you last night?"

Once he stood up, it just went downhill rapidly from there. No, not just downhill, it was dive-bombing. What exactly had happened last night?

* * *

 **Fourteen Hours Ago…**

"Chug chug chug chug woooooooooo!" screamed the crowd as Azir and a few waiters raced to see who could finish a pint of moonshine first. McDoran's didn't actually carry alcohol on their menu, but apparently by mixing the condiments with the oil for the fryers created a rapidly fermenting and extremely potent alcoholic beverage commonly referred to as employees as Demon Jizz.

He wasn't the first to finish the pint, but he finished towards the front. Almost immediately, the store began to vibrate and the edges of his vision pulsed in a malevolent red. Everything around him vanished into flames and a screaming skull began hurtling towards him, death metal causing every bone in his body to violently tremor. Right before impact, the skull stopped and obsidian skeletons clawed their way out of the ground, slamming their forms together to create a body for the evil skull.

In a voice similar to nails on a chalkboard, but ten times louder and a hundred times angrier, it spoke to him,

 _ ***FOOLISH MORTAL! YOU DARE SUMMON ME FROM MY PRISON! I HAVE CLAWED AT THE EDGE BETWEEN YOUR FEEBLE WORLD AND THE REALM OF DEATH FOR AEONS. AND YOU- YOU ABSOLUTE FOOL- HAVE ALLOWED ME INTO YOUR WORLD. HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAA! I WILL- I WILL DESTROY EVERYTHING! I AM RATH'KESHTULL-IXXERIS BAL'GEHARKIZ VON VERATORF, DESTROYER OF THE NINTH RING OF HEL, MONGERER OF THE FIFTH REALM, IRON BANE, THE FATHER OF FLAMES, AND CARTOGRAPHER OF THE DARKEST PITS OF HEL ITSELF! WHERE I WALK THE GROUND WEEPS IN FLAMES! PREPARE TO MEET YOUR END BY MY HAND! RAAAAAAAAAA-***_

"Yo what's up Rath," said Vanessa from behind him, "how's it going big guy?"

 ***Vanessa it would seem our paths have crossed again.***

"Wait," interrupted Azir, "Vanessa you know this guy?"

His head chef nodded, "Everyone does, he's basically like our store mascot, evil spirit, tech demon, and engineer all rolled into one. Did corporate not give you a list of all employees?"

"They did, I must have missed his entry. So he works here and you call him Rath?"

"Yeah, the last person that said his full name was killed. Reality basically inverted and the giant fangs came out and bit him to pieces. God we could not get the smell of blood out for months."

 ***His flesh was quite delicious.*** agreed Rath.

"I see," said Azir.

Any further discussion was interrupted by loud coughing from the other side of the kitchen where a couple of employees sat in a circle passing around a bong.

"Yooooo," slurred one of them, "is this the new stuff you were telling me about?"

"Yeah it's that new blend, _Viet Cong Ambush_."

The third employee was currently coughing their heart out while reaching to grab the bong again from the fourth.

"Oooh shiiit. It's the manager!"

"At ease friends, this is a party. Mind if I hit it?" said Azir.

"Yeheheheeaahhh broooooo!"

Azir held the bong up to his mouth before lighting it up with one of the worker's lighters, he breathed in the smoke and coughed a bit.

"Still haven't lost it." he mumbled to himself.

It was only 10,000 years ago since he had last hit it when he and Xerath were children. Thinking about Xerath brought a flood of sadness though, they didn't get along at all anymore. Maybe Xerath was the one who had tried to assassinaaaaaaa-

"-oooaaaahhh" slurred Azir as he began to levitate.

Then he crashed back to the floor and then he realized that he was never levitating in the first place. And then the trees started screaming in Vietnamese and then everything went to shit.

"Hey keep it down you fuckers!" came a voice from outside the restaurant.

From the front he heard glass bottles shatter against the windows from where they had been thrown by employees from what appeared to be the Sterak's Steaks and Shakes next door.

"Gods fucking damn it!" screamed a clearly intoxicated Vanessa as she half-stumbled half-ran towards the rapidly retreating Sterak's employees. "Rath get those mother fuckers!"

 _ ***BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!***_ screamed Rath in bloodthirsty ecstasy as he raced towards the door, phasing through it in a torrent of greasy hellfire. Then one of the Sterak's Steaks and Shakes employees who was apparently a Frost Troll threw an actual bicycle at Rath, hitting him in the head and sending him careening backwards.

 _ ***WHAT THE FUCK!***_ screamed the Demon as he clawed in vain at the rapidly retreating figures who spat a constant stream of slurs at the restaurant and Rath.

 _ ***I WILL MASSACRE YOUR CHILDREN AND SUCK THE MARROW FROM THEIR BONES UNTIL THEY RUN DRY!***_

Vanessa caught up to the demon and helped him to his feet somehow. She turned over to Azir and said, "party's over I think, they beat up Barry pretty badly.

* * *

 **Present…**

"Yeah, so that's basically everything that I remember."

"What. The. Actual. Fuck."

"Hey so you wanna come apply for a job?"

 **2 Hours Later…**

"Alright everyone, this is my fiance Isa, she's gonna be our newest employee."

"Pleasure to meet you all," nodded Izabela, clearly furious that Azir had somehow talked her into applying for a job at McDoran's.

* * *

 **Sorry all this is a much shorter chapter than what I normally post for this story. I'm really enjoying writing my other story but have been forcing myself to pogo hop between that story and this story as I don't want to leave anyone out to dry. I want to know if anyone is actually enjoying this story so just drop a small comment if you are otherwise this might be going on a hiatus.**

 **Thanks,**

 **Cego, who starts college classes in 11 hours.**


End file.
